A Slip, a Trip, and a Fall

Well, I can't even remember when it was that I began to eat sugar again. I think right around Christmas I started to lighten up  because felt like I was missing out a bit. Then, of course, came ice cream, the BANE of my existence. It's my biggest enemy. I can literally sit down and eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's coffee toffee crunch, which I did yesterday afternoon. And then I got violently ill, but not really sick. Confusing, I know. Please allow me to explain. I'll need a little background info first.

In the middle of January I finally began to menstruate in earnest after spotting on and off since Christmas Day. Unfortunately, it only got worse. And Worse. And WORSE. And more than a month had passed and I had gone through 4 boxes of super tampons, 3 packs of overnight pads, and I was beginning to grow faint, I felt cold, and dizzy. It was hard to sleep, but I was tired, and I was feeling so strung out I ended up making an appointment with the local hospital's woman center to try and get some answers. The menstruation was relieved by taking a double-dose of a birth control pill, Seasonique, which stopped it within a couple days. FANTASTIC.

But during that month of menstruation, when I felt like nothing would ever feel good again, I broke my diet and began to eat sugar, ice cream, and wheat. The wheat was actually not a bad idea because I have found I eat less and am more satisfied when I eat wheat and gluten. So, that's okay.

The sugar is BAD NEWS BEARS. Really bad news.

As I've mentioned before, I have a sugar addiction. It's a really bad one, too. And while I've been pretty good about not giving in too much, it makes me snacky, it fires the part of my brain for pleasure and then I go craving it more and more. Which is bad. And when I eat it, unfortunately, along with the high I also get incredibly anxious.

So. Now that I'm eating sugar again, I'm dealing my my bipolar even more. Which sucks.

And what's worse? That pint of Ben & Jerry's I ate last night that made me sick? It make me MENTALLY sick. I got very suicidal, anxious, pessimistic, low, negative, black and white extremes of thoughts... all bad things. I tested that again just now before I began to blog. I ate a king size Twix candy bar. And immediately I am filled with all those bad feelings and suicidal ideations.

SUGAR IS A NO NO.

I need to break myself from it again. I was doing so well, feeling so much better. Calmer. More in control. Now, I'm all over the place. I sleep terribly. I spent $600 in 2 days and I don't even remember what on, probably personal care items and gas and a date for Valentines and my birthday. But still. I'm feeling pretty low and out of control and it's not good. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not all or nothing... I can always make a choice and make a conscious effort to remove sugar from my life again. I'm not a slave to my addiction. But the sugar center of my brain tells me otherwise, and adds in all kinds of negativity and bad thoughts about myself, throwback to my childhood and bad relationships I've had as an adult. Things like, "You don't deserve to be happy." And, "You are nothing; You've always been nothing, you'll never be anything. You're worthless." And my personal 'favorite,' "Just give up. Think about your wrists, Bleeding. Think about oblivion. Wouldn't that be great? Aren't you tired? Why do you hold on. Why don't you let go?" Of course, I can't give in to ANY of these thoughts even though they are loud and intrusive, persuasive, and permanent.  And I won't do anything bad, even though I think about it. But it doesn't make it any less awful to go through.

I decided that since February sucks so much, and it's a short month, I'm going to give myself to the end of the month to get myself back on track. I'm cutting sugar back out. I am going to keep the wheat, but I am going to watch carbs overall and try to limit them as much as I can.

This isn't a "fall," I've decided. This is a slip and a trip. I am not starting over from scratch. I haven't even gained any weight. I just have to rededicate myself to my goals.

I'm better than this. I deserve better. The only person who can make the change is me.

Update

So I thought I ought to update.

I'm still on my diet. The drastic changes have become habit now, and life is still rolling along.

My Diet/Lifestyle Changes:

-Cut down on sugar
-Remove gluten as much as possible
-Drink more water
-Move around more

I cut my sugar consumption down to 10 grams or less per serving of anything processed, with the exception of slim fast drinks. It was hard at first, but I feel pretty good about it now. I can even take my coffee without sugar, as long as I use plenty of cream. I have gotten pretty good about not wanting to binge on sugar because of an amazing realization.

Sugar is what caused a great deal of my anxiety.

I never realized until I cut it out. How I found this out, is my mother made some homemade baked beans. I LOVE beans so much. She served me some. They were sickly sweet. She assured me that she'd only added maple syrup. So I ate them, and they were delicious. However, soon thereafter I spent the rest of the evening having panic attacks! I looked on the jug of maple syrup and a serving is 2 tablespoons. Each serving contains 51 grams of sugar!!! Well, no wonder I reacted so badly! So now I make doubly sure to read labels and know exactly what I'm eating.

Removing gluten was pretty easy, but I never realized how gluten is literally everywhere! And I ate SO much of it! Within days of cutting out all wheat products (bread, pasta, cake, etc) I felt lighter. And out only took days for my family to notice that I'm reducing too. I feel better and I look better. Less bloated.

Drinking water has been really hard! I've never been someone who really desired water. I grew up on sugary drinks. I love carbonation. So I switched to seltzer. It's not bad. And there are some pretty yummy seasonal flavors of Polar Seltzer out right now. I really enjoy the Champagne Strawberry flavor! But I'm doing a lot better than I have in the past with drinking. I feel good about it.

Moving around has not been much of a problem. We moved recently, and I had a lot of things to do. Now, I'm doing a lot here at home while I wait for my new job to start. I never realized how much WORK it is simply keeping a household running. Stay-at-home spouses, I salute you!

I can go up the stairs now without killing my knees and back. I walk briskly through the grocery store chasing after my mom on the motorized cart. I feel like my posture is better when I stand and walk. I feel more like myself again and less like Jabba the Hutt.

Best part is I'm getting more to the point where I'm feeling my clothes fitting better. This past summer I was so fat my sports bras wouldn't stay on my boobs comfortably. Now, my boobs are looking amazing in all my tops! I am finding my waist again. I don't only have to wear yoga pants.

Win.