How Many Miles

Maybe I've hit a wall, I don't know. But my newer sense of self-confidence led me to wear something I hadn't dared. And I look HUGE. The fabric is incredibly unflattering, I look like I'm trying to wear two different outfits at once.

I'm at work. I just looked down and saw, really saw how huge my belly is. And I realized that no matter how much I feel like I'm progressing right now, it's still just a drop of water in the ocean.

How far do I have to go? I don't know. How long will it take me? I don't know. I think at this point there is simply no real way to "know" anything.

I thought I was going to break down and despair. Why don't visible results happen more quickly?!

Then, I started to write this blog entry and I realized this: I'm still in the starting gate of this journey. I can't start asking are we there yet? When we have barely even begun. I have a lot further to go! And maybe I'll feel better about everything if I create some goals, both short and long term. Then I can measure my progress. This way, I am not stuck in the cycle of anguish and depression. Rome wasn't built in a day! Neither was I!

Update

So I thought I ought to update.

I'm still on my diet. The drastic changes have become habit now, and life is still rolling along.

My Diet/Lifestyle Changes:

-Cut down on sugar
-Remove gluten as much as possible
-Drink more water
-Move around more

I cut my sugar consumption down to 10 grams or less per serving of anything processed, with the exception of slim fast drinks. It was hard at first, but I feel pretty good about it now. I can even take my coffee without sugar, as long as I use plenty of cream. I have gotten pretty good about not wanting to binge on sugar because of an amazing realization.

Sugar is what caused a great deal of my anxiety.

I never realized until I cut it out. How I found this out, is my mother made some homemade baked beans. I LOVE beans so much. She served me some. They were sickly sweet. She assured me that she'd only added maple syrup. So I ate them, and they were delicious. However, soon thereafter I spent the rest of the evening having panic attacks! I looked on the jug of maple syrup and a serving is 2 tablespoons. Each serving contains 51 grams of sugar!!! Well, no wonder I reacted so badly! So now I make doubly sure to read labels and know exactly what I'm eating.

Removing gluten was pretty easy, but I never realized how gluten is literally everywhere! And I ate SO much of it! Within days of cutting out all wheat products (bread, pasta, cake, etc) I felt lighter. And out only took days for my family to notice that I'm reducing too. I feel better and I look better. Less bloated.

Drinking water has been really hard! I've never been someone who really desired water. I grew up on sugary drinks. I love carbonation. So I switched to seltzer. It's not bad. And there are some pretty yummy seasonal flavors of Polar Seltzer out right now. I really enjoy the Champagne Strawberry flavor! But I'm doing a lot better than I have in the past with drinking. I feel good about it.

Moving around has not been much of a problem. We moved recently, and I had a lot of things to do. Now, I'm doing a lot here at home while I wait for my new job to start. I never realized how much WORK it is simply keeping a household running. Stay-at-home spouses, I salute you!

I can go up the stairs now without killing my knees and back. I walk briskly through the grocery store chasing after my mom on the motorized cart. I feel like my posture is better when I stand and walk. I feel more like myself again and less like Jabba the Hutt.

Best part is I'm getting more to the point where I'm feeling my clothes fitting better. This past summer I was so fat my sports bras wouldn't stay on my boobs comfortably. Now, my boobs are looking amazing in all my tops! I am finding my waist again. I don't only have to wear yoga pants.

Win.

Living with anxiety

Living with crippling anxiety is like living the worst day of your life every day.

I'm constantly terrified that I'm going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, get spoken to sharply, that I don't know the 'rules' and that I'll break an unforgivable one unconsciously. It's like having to carry pots of boiling water and the handle on the pot is loose.

I don't know how else to describe it.

And then when things seem like they are going to settle into a routine and I feel like I'm getting the hang of life or whatever, things change without warning and I'm thrown into a tailspin. Ever been on a ride at an amusement park, or been in a scary situation where you feel your life is in danger? That's what I feel like. My heart pounds, my hands shake, and I feel like I'm going to cry and throw up at the same time.

What, exactly, am I afraid of? I don't know. Yet still I fear.

I'm sure the excess cortisol from the stress I am under is a good part of why I'm so fat.

Why can't I let go? What's the worst that could happen?

I don't know. And that's what terrifies me.