A Slip, a Trip, and a Fall

Well, I can't even remember when it was that I began to eat sugar again. I think right around Christmas I started to lighten up  because felt like I was missing out a bit. Then, of course, came ice cream, the BANE of my existence. It's my biggest enemy. I can literally sit down and eat an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's coffee toffee crunch, which I did yesterday afternoon. And then I got violently ill, but not really sick. Confusing, I know. Please allow me to explain. I'll need a little background info first.

In the middle of January I finally began to menstruate in earnest after spotting on and off since Christmas Day. Unfortunately, it only got worse. And Worse. And WORSE. And more than a month had passed and I had gone through 4 boxes of super tampons, 3 packs of overnight pads, and I was beginning to grow faint, I felt cold, and dizzy. It was hard to sleep, but I was tired, and I was feeling so strung out I ended up making an appointment with the local hospital's woman center to try and get some answers. The menstruation was relieved by taking a double-dose of a birth control pill, Seasonique, which stopped it within a couple days. FANTASTIC.

But during that month of menstruation, when I felt like nothing would ever feel good again, I broke my diet and began to eat sugar, ice cream, and wheat. The wheat was actually not a bad idea because I have found I eat less and am more satisfied when I eat wheat and gluten. So, that's okay.

The sugar is BAD NEWS BEARS. Really bad news.

As I've mentioned before, I have a sugar addiction. It's a really bad one, too. And while I've been pretty good about not giving in too much, it makes me snacky, it fires the part of my brain for pleasure and then I go craving it more and more. Which is bad. And when I eat it, unfortunately, along with the high I also get incredibly anxious.

So. Now that I'm eating sugar again, I'm dealing my my bipolar even more. Which sucks.

And what's worse? That pint of Ben & Jerry's I ate last night that made me sick? It make me MENTALLY sick. I got very suicidal, anxious, pessimistic, low, negative, black and white extremes of thoughts... all bad things. I tested that again just now before I began to blog. I ate a king size Twix candy bar. And immediately I am filled with all those bad feelings and suicidal ideations.

SUGAR IS A NO NO.

I need to break myself from it again. I was doing so well, feeling so much better. Calmer. More in control. Now, I'm all over the place. I sleep terribly. I spent $600 in 2 days and I don't even remember what on, probably personal care items and gas and a date for Valentines and my birthday. But still. I'm feeling pretty low and out of control and it's not good. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not all or nothing... I can always make a choice and make a conscious effort to remove sugar from my life again. I'm not a slave to my addiction. But the sugar center of my brain tells me otherwise, and adds in all kinds of negativity and bad thoughts about myself, throwback to my childhood and bad relationships I've had as an adult. Things like, "You don't deserve to be happy." And, "You are nothing; You've always been nothing, you'll never be anything. You're worthless." And my personal 'favorite,' "Just give up. Think about your wrists, Bleeding. Think about oblivion. Wouldn't that be great? Aren't you tired? Why do you hold on. Why don't you let go?" Of course, I can't give in to ANY of these thoughts even though they are loud and intrusive, persuasive, and permanent.  And I won't do anything bad, even though I think about it. But it doesn't make it any less awful to go through.

I decided that since February sucks so much, and it's a short month, I'm going to give myself to the end of the month to get myself back on track. I'm cutting sugar back out. I am going to keep the wheat, but I am going to watch carbs overall and try to limit them as much as I can.

This isn't a "fall," I've decided. This is a slip and a trip. I am not starting over from scratch. I haven't even gained any weight. I just have to rededicate myself to my goals.

I'm better than this. I deserve better. The only person who can make the change is me.

Stupid scale

I was right to be wary of the scale here at work. Apparently, at least, according to my obgyn's office, I weighed 430. I weigh less now.

I had a 26 day long period. It was horrible. Instead of slowing down the bleeding got worse and worse. Eventually, I started getting dizzy spells so I had to go to see a cnm at my local women's center. Luckily, she's freaking amazing and I <3 her. No bullying or fat shaming and she actually wants to help me to get my body ready/willing/able to conceive. I also get the feeling she won't be adverse to a vbac home birth either.

So I was given seasonique to stop my bleeding, which it did like a champ. I'm very pleased. Friday (my birthday) I go for an ultrasound to check my lining and ovaries and whatnot, and then if everything checks out, I'll be scheduled for a pap and then a d&c to clean me put and give me a fresh slate going forward. Then... well, I am not sure. But I'm definitely on board with the babymaking train.

Due to ALL the excessive bleeding and whatnot I went back on sugar and I need to go back off. It's not as bad as it could be, but ugh. I definitely feel more weak and sluggish, even though my moods are better. But maybe my moods are better because of the birth control, who knows?

My 34th birthday is Friday. Trying to not be depressed because I miss my baby boy. He'll be 7 on our birthday.

I found I am getting my natural waist back, which is pretty exciting. And I can wear my size 28 old navy skinny jeans jeans again, which is also exciting. I need to keep being positive. Things are a lot better than they were a year ago this time.