Living with anxiety

Living with crippling anxiety is like living the worst day of your life every day.

I'm constantly terrified that I'm going to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, get spoken to sharply, that I don't know the 'rules' and that I'll break an unforgivable one unconsciously. It's like having to carry pots of boiling water and the handle on the pot is loose.

I don't know how else to describe it.

And then when things seem like they are going to settle into a routine and I feel like I'm getting the hang of life or whatever, things change without warning and I'm thrown into a tailspin. Ever been on a ride at an amusement park, or been in a scary situation where you feel your life is in danger? That's what I feel like. My heart pounds, my hands shake, and I feel like I'm going to cry and throw up at the same time.

What, exactly, am I afraid of? I don't know. Yet still I fear.

I'm sure the excess cortisol from the stress I am under is a good part of why I'm so fat.

Why can't I let go? What's the worst that could happen?

I don't know. And that's what terrifies me.