Annoyed

I thought I was losing weight so fast but I seem to have stalled.

I've gone from +468 to 435 give or take. I thought I was doing better. I realized when I stood I the scale today that if I lean to the right slightly, I show more weight, and less if I lean to the left. So of course I begin second-guessing myself and while I'd LOVE to be the 420 it COULD read, I am concerned that the 435 it seems to read at a balance could be horribly wrong, and I'm TERRIFIED that I'm actually 450, and I'm never going to lose enough weight to have a baby.

I read this blog entry today and it gave me some feelings of healing. I have been bullied and discriminated against due to my obesity for years. And it's near impossible to lose weight because of my PCOS, and I'm not ovulating or even menstruating regularly, so I know that contributes to my being so fat. But nothing makes me more hopeless than when the doctors refuse to help me, treat me like a leper, and just try to foist me off on specialists or bariatric surgeons.

I guess I'm having a hopeless day today. I didn't sleep much yesterday before work, my mother started chemotherapy again this week for her colon cancer metastasis nodes in her lungs, and my husband is working an awkward shift that means I hardly get any sleep before I have to get up and bring him in. And by the time I get home and lay down, even if I don't sleep before I bring him in (like yesterday) I still lay there, sleepless, until after 4 p.m. which makes things even harder because I have to pick him up at 9 p.m. and I had to drink a huge coffee to get thru my overnight shift tonight.

And of course not sleeping is fucking with my head, making me paranoid, depressed, anxious, weepy, and suicidal. So needless to say, I'm not having a great day, and I just can't wait for it to be over so I can go home and at least TRY to sleep and feel better.

Worst part of all this is I have been feeling so nauseated throughout the day and evenings and had breast tenderness. I know there is no way in hell I'm pregnant because I'm not cycling. And it makes me want to scream and pull my hair out because that's nothing I would want more than a baby with my husband. And it will probably never happen because I just can't seem to shake the weight.